This is just my joke page.

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My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn’t in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she’d phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. “I’m sorry,” I said, “she’s left for the day. May I take a message?”

“Yes,” the caller replied. “How can I get a job with you?”

Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in, and told the cabbie the address she needed. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver, and Jill sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.

“Driver,” Jill screamed, “Are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?”

“Relax, Lady,” he said. “Just do what I do. Close your eyes.”

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game.”

“When is that?” asked the kid.

“Right after the National Anthem.”

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son’s driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, “How’s my driving?” and put a 900 number on it.

At 50 cents a call, I’ve been making $38 a week.

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be “Macho,” and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

“Say, look at that big bunch of cows.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.’ ”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows. There’s a big bunch of ‘em right over there.”

A rich man went to his vicar and said, “I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I’ll have a surprise for you”. The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. “It’s the finest building money can buy, vicar,” said the man. “No expense was spared.” And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. “A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.

“You just wait until Sunday,” the rich man said.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

“Wonderful!” said the vicar, “Marvelous!”

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o’clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

“Wonderful!” said the congregation, “Marvelous!”

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

“Look,” she said. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”

“You’re wrong,” the young man declared.

“For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.”

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone…”

“Wait! Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”

For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their chores around the house.

“I am NOT the maid” is a phrase they’ve heard many times.

When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one week at school. Among the first words he heard at college, he reported, were those of the dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not picked up after himself in the men’s lavatory,

“I am NOT your mother!”

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. “Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?”

At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

“Tell me,” the professor began, “exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?”

“Well,” mused the unperturbed youth, “first they saluted, then they inquired, ‘How are you this morning, sir?’”

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.

She said, “Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting.”

“It was postponed.” he replied. “The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn’t let him attend tonight.”

The last time you took your kids to a Monster Truck pull the parking attendants directed you right onto the stadium racetrack.

~ When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five dollars a share for the quarter.

~ Your garage is larger than your house.

~ One of those “Oversize Load” escort trucks has to precede you down the interstate.

~ Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as “downsizing.”

~ Before you go out, you have to file for a parade permit.

~ You’re the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Rolling House S-Class twin-turbo.

~ It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into orbit.

~ There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back.

~ It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.

~ It’s great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.

~ You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver’s seat.

~ Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.

~ Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.

~ You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.

~ The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Girl, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?”

There was silence.

Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”

While waiting in line at the bank, a coworker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

“Why not?” my friend asked incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000.”

“It CAN’T be!” he cried. “You have GOT to be kidding!”

“Yes, I am,” she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy’s checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!”

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look.

“Let’s see…mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What is that?”

“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place!!!”

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser.

All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker-light message to the Aussies: “You are beautiful.”

Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: “I’ll bet you say that to all the ships.”