Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. “The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him” said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.

It just seems to be one of those freak accidents that proves… “S*** happens.”

(Can I hear a collective “Ewwwww!”?)

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy. ”

Bill hesitates…but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, “Okay, if that’s what the people want.”

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, “I’ll kill you! You @#$!&&&&&&&&*%$%*!!!..&&&&&&&&*%$%**!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, “How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!”

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, “Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first PITCH”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno

This is a cute link. It’s a short video (1 minute 40 seconds) of two otters holding hands while they’re “lounging” in the water. Make sure you watch it to the very end.

You might have to copy and paste it in the url area.

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin
A winning smile
That unforgettable Southern drawl

Southern women know their manners:
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Why, no, Billy Bob!”

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
“Y’all come back!”
“Well bless your heart.”
“Drop by when you can.”
“How’s your Momma?”

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern Women know everybody’s first name:
Honey
Darlin’
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with Momma’s homemade jelly.

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl’stn)
Savannah (S’vanah)
New Orleans (N’awlins)
Atlanta (Addlanna)

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos.
Rhett Buttler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

A little old lady was pulled over for speeding:

OLD LADY: Is there a problem, Officer?

OFFICER: Ma’am, you were speeding.

OLD LADY: Oh, I see.

OFFICER: Can I see your license please?

OLD LADY: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

OFFICER: You don’t have one?

OLD LADY: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

OFFICER: I see … then I need to see your vehicle registration, please.

OLD LADY: I can’t do that.

OFFICER: Why not?

OLD LADY: I stole this car.

OFFICER: Stole it?

OLD LADY: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

OFFICER: You what?

OLD LADY: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the old lady, slowly backs to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the old lady’s car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

SENIOR OFFICER: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!? The old lady steps out of her car.

OLD LADY: Is there a problem, sir?

SENIOR OFFICER: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

OLD LADY: Murdered the owner?

SENIOR OFFICER: Yes. Would you open the trunk of your car, please?

The old lady opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

SENIOR OFFICER: Is this your car ma’am?

OLD LADY: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

SENIOR OFFICER: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.

The old lady digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver’s license and hands it to the senior officer.

The officer examines it. He looks even more puzzled by this time.

SENIOR OFFICER: Thank you, ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner and placed him in your trunk.

OLD LADY: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL OF THIS STORY … Don’t mess with little old ladies!!

Musicals are probably my favorite type of movie and one of my all-time favorites is “The Sound of Music.” I think Julie Andrews has such a sweet, clear, pleasant singing voice. Well I found out that she recently turned 69 years old and performed at Radio City Music Hall. She sang many of the songs from “The Sound of Music” but one in particular earned her a standing ovation that lasted 4 minutes! It was a parody of the song “My Favorite Things,” and here are the lyrics she sang:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

++++++++++++++++

Ya gotta love that woman!

Good news! My clutch is a mechanical one, not a hydraulic, so that cuts down on the cost tremendously. And my car will be ready tomorrow.

On a sad note, however, I got an email a short while ago from a friend of mine. A man she works with got an emergency page to go home earlier this morning. He went home to discover that his apartment was on fire with his wife and 3 children inside. The wife managed to get out with the 4 yr old and 3 yr old, but the 2 yr old did not make it. It is a sad time for this family. They lost everything they had … but even THAT pales in comparison to the loss of their child. So please pray for them. I don’t know their last name but God does.

Also while you’re praying … pray for our janitor who works here at the church. He was mugged Friday night by 2 men. They busted his head open (stitches required), broke 2 of his ribs, and kicked him in the crotch. The police department has caught the 2 guys who did it and hopefully they will be brought to justice soon.

So, how is everybody’s week going so far? It’s been raining pretty heavy and steady here for the past couple of days. Flash flood warnings, tornado warnings … all the usual stuff. Just a brief reminder that hurricane season will soon be here. June, to be exact. Oh joy …

Well the clutch in my Mustang finally went out. Actually it’s a clutch bearing or something like that … I’m not a mechanic so I’m only repeating what I think I may have heard. So Mike decided while they have the car to fix, we might as well put a new clutch in also. My car has 111,000 and some odd miles on it so I guess it’s about time for that to happen. Mike is guessing it’s gonna cost us around $1,200 to $1,500 … that’s based on a friend who told him he had his replaced a couple of years ago. My dilemma is this. The car is a 1998 … might as well say 10 years old. Yes, it’s paid for. But does it really make sense to put that much $$$ back into a car that’s probably only worth $3,000 at trade-in??

I suppose if you look at it from the perspective that $1,500 is cheaper than making a car payment every month … then it makes sense. But even then you still have a car with 111K miles on it that’s 10 years old. It’s just a matter of time before something else goes wrong and you plop down another $1,500. When do you draw the line?

I would think in the long run it would be better to buy a “newer” car … say an ‘05 or ‘06 from a place like CarMax … and then you’d have a car with low mileage and possibly even still some of the factory warranty left. I’ve looked online and I can buy an Impala or Malibu or Escape or something like that for around $12,000. Most of those cars have low mileage in the area of 15K or 20K miles because they were fleet cars. My car payment would still be low.

So for practical reasons at this moment, I know we have to go ahead and fix the Mustang for now because I have to have transportation. (Those who live in the Houston metro area understand why that is so.) And maybe Mike is thinking that overall the Mustang is in good shape mechanically. Erica has been wanting a newer car and she seems to enjoy driving mine. So rather than her go into debt to buy a new car (like she’s talking about doing) maybe he’s thinking once I get a newer car for myself, she can drive the Mustang. But even then, will I feel comfortable letting her set out on a lengthy road trip in a car that old???

Sigh … when it rains, it pours …

Can’t believe I once thought Wally was the cutest guy on earth …

Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started and never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

Click on this link for an Easter wish …

http://egg.d21c.com/egg.swf

Went to doctor today for follow-up:

The new BP med seems to be working well. I am to go back in one month for a final check up.

My foot is still a little swollen but mostly I have pain on the pad of my foot near my last 2 toes. The doctor said there is definitely not any fracture or break. My pain is due to ligament strain and soft tissue swelling. He gave me some more anti-inflammatory med and said call him in 2 weeks if it’s not better. In that case I will be referred to a foot doctor.

And that’s all for now …

Tonight Erica is taking her best friend Alex to see a concert by Justin Timberlake. This is Alex’s Christmas present. As the girls were excitedly getting dressed this evening, I couldn’t help but think about my best friend in high school, Eva. We were teenagers in the late 60’s and one of our favorite groups … other than the Fab 4, that is … was Paul Revere and the Raiders. We went to one of their concerts once and I can remember how excited we were to be going. It brought back good memories. And even the outfits they bought to wear tonight were reminiscent of the late 60’s … boots, straightened hair, and miniskirts. Here are a couple of pictures I took of them before they left.

Ahhh … to be young again … (NOT!)

I’m not usually a big country music fan but I do like to listen to some of it during the rodeo season in my part of Texas. So, to all you cowboys and cowgirls out there, I say …

“Yeeeeeehaw!”