16 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
4. Put your trash can on your desk and label it “IN.”

5. When trying on clothes in a dressing room, yell out “There is no toilet paper in here!”
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For Sexual Favors.”

7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
8. Dont use punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Specify that your drive thru order is “to go.”
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
14. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”

15. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot while yelling “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”
16. Tell your children over dinner “Due to the economy, we’re going to let one of you go.”

Sorry guys! But I just couldn’t pass on this one! (By the way … thanks Matt!)

EVER WONDER ….

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

ONLY IN AMERICA :

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America …..do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America …..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’..

Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Well, I just completed the first week of my exercise program and I feel good. I feel good physically … more energy … and I feel good mentally because I’m doing something for ME for a change. I stopped by the exercise place (Curves) on Friday after work and the girl took my measurements. Yikes! Nearly gave me a heart attack! (just kidding) That way I can compare now to a month from now and see how many inches I’ve lost. This is a picture from their website that shows the machines. Usually there’s not that many people on the machines at the same time. I’m sure they wanted it to look good for their brochure!

I’m not trying to stick to a diet, per se, but I’m cutting back on the amount of the food. I’ve found that when I try to diet, I feel deprived because every diet has a list of “no no” foods and those are usually the foods I enjoy. Besides, when you look at the word diet, what are the first 3 letters? Yes! DIE! Very depressing! So I’m trying to eat more sensible and in smaller portions, but if I really feel like I need one of those “no no” foods, I’ll allow myself to have it in moderation. I was told it takes 30 days to break a habit and on the flip side of that, 30 days to form a habit. So if I can discipline myself for 30 days I think I’ll have a handle on it.

Well … my son has a birthday coming up on November 2nd. He’ll be 24 years old! Arrrggg!! I’m old because he’s old!!! Chase, if you’re reading this … what do you want for your birthday??????

Well, I’ve whined enough about baseball … time to get out of that mode and move on to something else. I hope everybody has had a good week.

Mike got his new company car the other day … a Chevy Impala. Here’s a picture of it but it doesn’t do it justice.

It’s so much prettier in person! Black with a charcoal gray interior … really sleek looking. Anyway, he travels so much with his job that he ends up getting a new company car about every 18 months to 2 years. I’m not complaining, though. At least we have one car that we always know is reliable! Ha!

By the way … don’t forget to set your clocks BACK one hour this weekend … daylight savings time, you know. I always remember it by “fall back in the Fall and spring forward in the Spring.”

I’m sure you know by now that Chicago whipped the Astros again last night. That’s 3 games down. All Chicago needs is one more win and they’re World Series champs. Frankly, I’m not a baseball fan per se, but ya gotta get behind the hometown team, right?

But I was REALLY upset with MLB Commissioners yesterday when they ruled that the game would be played with the stadium top OPEN. (For those who don’t know this, Reliant Stadium where the Astros play, has a retractable roof. ) We like it closed because the Astro fans really scream loud and it’s nerve wracking to the other team. But MLB decided yesterday that it would be an “unfair advantage” to the Astros if it was left closed for last night’s game.

Well, let me say this. IT WAS UNFAIR TO THE ASTROS SUNDAY NIGHT IN CHICAGO BECAUSE IT WAS 40 DEGREES AND RAINING! Like we’re used to that kind of weather! Get real! Where were the Commissioners then? Huh? Huh? Okay … so Chicago’s stadium doesn’t have the option of closing a roof. Bottom line is that Chicago is used to playing in that kind of weather. We aren’t. So why should we care if it appears unfair to Chicago for us to keep our stadium roof closed? I know, I know. I’m being a poor sport. But deal with it, okay?

Anyway, last night’s game started at 7:30 pm and was over at 1:00 am this morning … 14 innings! The longest World Series playoff ever in the history of the game.

Geeeezzzzz …. you see? This is why I don’t like baseball!

A diehard Astros fan amuses himself by scaring every White Sox fan he sees strutting down the street in their obnoxious White Sox shirts. He swerves his van as if to hit them, and then swerves back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest “Where are you going Father?”

“I’m going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“Climb in Father! I’ll give you a lift!” said the man.

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and they continued down he road. Suddenly, the driver saw a White Sox fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back into the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed he guy, he still heard a loud “THUD.”

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced back in his mirrors but still didn’t see anything. He then remembered the priest and he turned to the priest and said “Sorry Father, I almost hit that White Sox fan.”

“That’s okay,” replied the priest, “I got him with the door.”

GO ASTROS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that I’m 53 … er, I mean 35 (heh heh heh) … I decided since I’ve lived this long I better try to get healthier. Better late than never. So I joined an exercise place called Curves. It’s for women only. Most of the women who go there are like me … old and out of shape. There are none of those little 20-somethings prancing around in their cute little (with the emphasis on little) exercise outfits. No muscle, bulging dudes, either. Nope. I’m not there for the eye candy. I’m there to be put through hell!

Anyway, you can do your workout in a half hour. They call it the “Girl Power Half Hour.” There are about 10 machines and you rotate from one to the other. You spend 30 seconds on each machine and a pre-recorded message tells you when to move to the next machine. You can do the rotation of the 10 machines as many times as you want. The machines alternate working your upper and lower body. Believe it or not, it does make you sweat a little and gets your heart rate up.

So I’m going to start by doing 3 days a week, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, since I don’t work those days. I’ll go first thing in the morning (8:00) when they open. I’ll keep you posted. I hope I can stick with this because I really, really, really want to!

Mike and Erica made it back from the orienteering meet this past weekend. Erica took 1st place in her age category. Go Erica! But they both came back with the sniffles … weather change and all, I guess, along with camping out. Anyway, I’m glad they’re home okay. Ya’ll have a good week. Check in if you get time.

Well Mike and Erica are at Bastrop for an orienteering meet this weekend. They both left Thursday … early recon … along with a few other people to get things set up before everybody else arrived Friday. The meet was today and will also be held tomorrow. They should be home Sunday evening. I don’t remember if Erica was planning to compete this weekend or if she was just pretty much in charge of planning the meet. Major Vidinha’s dad passed away (California) and since their family is spread out all over the country, he wasn’t available at all this week to finish planning the meet. So he turned it over to Erica since she’s got a lot of experience with it. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll hear from Mike tonight sometime.

In the meantime … how ’bout them Astros, huh? I’ll admit, I’m not a baseball fan. I like football better but when your hometown team goes to the World Series for the VERY FIRST TIME EVER, it’s kinda exciting. And the Texans haven’t done diddly squat this season so SOMEBODY’s got to defend Houston’s reputation! LOL Anyway, the first game of the series is on right now but I’m not watching it … too nerve wracking.

Instead I’m watching one of my favorite movies “Air Force One.” Of course, it’s nerve wracking, too, especially the part where everybody is being transfered to the other jet and then Harrison Ford and the bad guy battle it out in the cargo bay of Air Force One and you just know one of them is going to fall out of the jet …. whew!

Guess I’ll wrap up for tonight. It’s still early here … only about 7:40 pm … but I’m tired and I’m gonna relax and drool over Harrison Ford for awhile … ha ha ha ha ha

In case you can’t read the caption:

Plywood to protect your store from Hurricane Rita …. $200
Supplies to hang the plywood ….. $50
Using your Aggie education to hang the plywood on the WRONG SIDE of the window … priceless!!!!

Thanks to everyone who has either called or emailed or posted about my birthday today. It has been a good one. My son called me this evening to wish me a Happy Birthday; Mike took me out to eat Saturday night (because he had to be in San Antonio today), he also gave me a pretty gold bracelet; Erica gave me a scented candle, a Harley Davidson Christmas tree ornament, a cubic zirconia tennis bracelet and the “Desperate Housewives” board game: and Mike’s mother gave me a jewelry box. And a lot of my “kidz” and other friends on my Xanga blog also wished me a good day.

So yeah, it’s been a good day.

Happy Birthday Sara!! Hope you had an awesome day! Mike

That’s my story … and I’m stickin’ to it! If it works for you, please feel free to use it.

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump … you think a gallon of gas is expensive? Compare it to other things we purchase:

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ……. $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ……….. $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ….. $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ………. $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ……….. $33.60 per gallon

Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 …. $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 … $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 …….. . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 …. $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER …

Evian water 9 oz $1.49……….. $21.19 per gallon?!
$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source. By the way … EVIAN spelled backwards is NAIVE …

Hmmmm …. So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, or Nyquil.

(Oh … and if you don’t pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he answered.

“Oh. Killing any?”

“Yep. 3 males. 2 females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “Well, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.”

Monday is my birthday …

I’ll be 53 years old …

I think I’m going to become DYSLEXIC so I can be 35 instead …

In times of trouble,
In times of need.
If you’re feeling sad
You can count on me.

I’ll give you a wink …

Until you smile …

I’ll give you a hug …
And stand by your side.

I’ll be there for you till the end.
I’ll always and forever, be your friend!