Cute joke!

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

“Sweetheart, work with me on this,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”

Whoa! What about that Hurricane Katrina! I am SO glad she missed the Texas coast but I feel SO bad for all those people that are in her path. My friends Doug and Carole (whose daughter Sara is getting married in November) live in Mississippi and Katrina will go right over them … Mike said he looked at satellite info and it looks like they’ll get winds of up to 70-80 miles per hour, even that far inland. That’s what happens when a category 5 hurricane hits land. It takes it awhile to “wind down.”

It was Palm Sunday. Because of a sore throat, 5-year old Johnny stayed home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home they were carrying palm branches.

“What are those for?” asked Johnny.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” said his mother.

Fuming, Johnny said, “Wouldn’t you know it? The one Sunday I don’t go, He shows up!”

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Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.

“39 and holding,” she answered.

Johnny thought for a moment and asked, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

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Little Johnny, in church for the first time, watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew he loudly said, “Don’t pay for me, Daddy. I’m under five.”

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“Johnny,” asked the Sunday School teacher, “do you say prayers before eating?”

To which Johnny replied, “We don’t have to. My mom is a good cook!”

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“I’m sure happy to see you, grandma!” said little Johnny. “Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.”

“Oh? And what trick is that, dear?” asked the curious grandma.

“I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit.”

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Pardon all the female jokes posted below … but I couldn’t resist …

If you have some good male jokes (clean, of course) feel free to post them …

Ten Things Only Women Understand:

10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

… and the # 1 thing only women understand …

1. OTHER WOMEN!

Ten Ways to Know If You’re Having Estrogen Problems:

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of jeans you have.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cell phne to dial up every bumper sticker that says: “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-…”
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You can’t believe they don’t make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
8. Everyone seems to have just landed here from “outer space.”
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: And your whiney, cry-baby question is ????

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: Hopefully when the kids are in college.

Well, good news for Erica’s friend, S.A., that I wrote about in a few posts ago. As some background, before the school year ended back in May, she had applied for West Point and been accepted with a full ROTC scholarship. Then, for whatever reason I’m unaware of, S.A. decided she didn’t want to go to West Point and would just go to one of the local colleges. Well, I guess she reconsidered things, in light of all that’s happened lately … and she got in touch with one of the Army recruiters and long story short, she is driving up to Huntsville tomorrow morning to talk to the ROTC instructor at Sam Houston State University. Since she’d already done all the paperwork (for West Point) it’s just a matter of them taking a look at all those papers and her registering. They’re going to “rush her application” through the process and if all goes as they expect it to, she will have a dorm room by Friday of this week. She’s VERY excited right now. This is going to be a wonderful opportunity for her. There’s no way she could afford to put herself through college and her mother isn’t in any type of financial condition to help her. Things are tough for a lot of people, you know. So this is definitely an answer to prayer. It will give S.A. a fresh start and sense of pride as she accomplishes something worthwhile in her lfe. I’ll keep you updated as we get more news.

… but if it does, I apologize in advance …

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.

“This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now.”

The other mom replies, “I remember him as a baby.”

Mom says, “He’s a martyr now.”

“Oh, so sad, my dear.”

Mom flips to another picture. “And this is my second son, Kali. He would be 21.”

“Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born.”

Mom sighs, “He’s a martyr, too.”

“Oh gracious me” says the second mother.

“And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,” Mom whispers.

“Yes” says her friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school.”

“He’s a martyr also” Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says: “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

Well, another weekend has passed. For the most part it was quiet for us. But one of Erica’s friends, S.A., had an argument with her mom and her mom “kicked her out of the house” as S.A. tells it. I know her mom probably regretted it the minute she said it. It’s gotta be tough being a single mom of an 18-year old girl. Anyway, S.A. is like a second daughter to us so she asked if she could stay here for a few days and of course, we said yes. Her mom knows she’s here and not having to sleep on the street or in her truck. But Mike and I haven’t asked S.A. what’s going on … we want to stay out of the drama and not take sides … but we do want to make sure S.A. has a place to go and that her mom knows she’s safe. Life is always interesting around here!

Who was so stupid that . . .

. . . she called me to get my phone number.
. . . she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.”
. . . she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
. . . she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
. . . she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
. . . she tried to drown a fish.
. . . she thought a quarterback was a refund.
. . . she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
. . . she tripped over a cordless phone.
. . . she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
. . . she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
. . . she studied for a blood test.
. . . she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
. . . when she learned that 90% of all crimes occur around the home … she moved.
. . . when she missed the 44 bus she took the 22 bus twice instead.
. . . when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left,” she turned around and went back home.

Martha: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You’re probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha: If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.”
Maxine: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!”

Martha: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don’t.

Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away
Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine: Leftover wine???????????

HELLO !!!!!!!

I typed about 3 paragraphs a minute ago and then I hit the wrong button and POOF!! It was gone. So I’ll try again.

Mike, I feel your pain, man … it just seems like summer passed in a blur and now it’s back to the same hectic routine we had a couple of months ago, isn’t it? Well Erica at least found herself a job. She starts working at Kohl’s (a department store) next week sometime. She turned in an application Monday of this week, they called her for an interview Tuesday, called her to come pick up drug testing paperwork Wednesday and told her they’ll call her today or tomorrow to let her know when orientation is. It pays $7/hour which isn’t much but it’s more than she makes sitting at home!

She’s already figuring out how she can save up her hard earned money so she can fly to North Carolina to see Chad before he leaves for some “duty stuff” in October. He wants her to fly out one weekend and spend some time with him. He won’t be able to come back home until December. She’s going to take her friend, Kristin, with her because one of Chad’s friends has been talking off and on to Kristin via phone. He wants to meet her. My, my, my … they grow up so fast!

Well I know how hard it must be for ya’ll having to pay over $3/gallon for gasoline…it’s hard enough for us and we’re only at an average of $2.50/gallon here. It really puts a crimp in your budget. I find myself not making as many useless trips here and there as before. Which is probably good if you look at it that way. Anyway, it just kills me to have to fill up my Mustang … $30-$35 depending on where I find gas.

I gotta get going, I guess. Give your family my regards. Let me hear from you soon. Take care.

I should have known this time of the summer was going to get busy, and boy has it. The girls are all starting school and the books, classes, sports you name it we are swampped but its fun at the same time. Glad to hear your mom is doing good thats great especially at her age thats good news. I saw the post about Erica using Xanga, does she still? Reason I ask is my kids used to use it also but the big rage these days is myspace.com this guy who started it must be rich buy now because every kid we know and their families are on this thing all the time its everywhere out here, just wondering if you guys had heard of or used it yet. Well back to running errands…..and gas at 3.00 a gallon sheeesh!

Well I got back home about 4:30 today. I wanted to post some pictures of my mom so everybody could see her new haircut but when my sister and I went back to see her this afternoon, she was in bed and ready for a nap. They had put a gown on her so I took a couple of pictures but I’m not going to post them because they don’t look real good. Anyway … she’s doing good for someone almost 93 years old.

I’m in Giddings tonight. I drove up this afternoon and got to spend a little time with my mom at the nursing home. Now I’m at my sister’s house. My mom seemed to be doing real good. She got a haircut and looks so cute! I’m going to take my brother-in-law’s digital camera with me tomorrow and take some pictures of her. I’ll post them tomorrow sometime.

Well it’s Monday guys … the start of a brand, new week. I hope everybody has a good one. Check in sometime this week if you can and let me know how life is treating you.

Well Erica’s friend, Sara (who lives in Mississippi and is getting married in November) went with her bridesmaids to get fitted for their dresses today. Since Erica is one of the bridesmaids, Sara’s mom (Carole) went ahead and paid for Erica’s dress and shoes. Now all Erica has to do is find a David’s Bridal close by here and go get fitted for the dress. They’ll send all that information to the Jackson store and her dress will be ready for her when she gets there. We’re planning on flying her up there a week before the wedding just in case alterations need to be made. I think we’re going to pick up Chase on our way there (later that week) so he can go to the wedding also. I know Sara’s parents would love to see him again … it’s been quite awhile. It’s not that out of the way … six of one, half a dozen of the other, as the old saying goes.

Then Alisha plans to drive to Jackson and meet Erica right after the wedding. They will take a “road trip” and stop off in North Carolina to see Chad (Marines) and then on to see Clint graduate from Coast Guard “A” school.

(Chad … taken in April when he was home on a short leave.)

It just so happens that graduation is within a couple of days of the wedding. The girls are really excited about it! I’m going to be a little concerned about their safety, of course, because even though Erica has traveled all around the world doing her orienteering thing, she’s always had adults with her. But her and Alisha are smart girls and I know they’ll be allright. I guess it’s just a momma thing, ya know?

Well I’m outta here for now. I have some clothes to fold and put away and then I’m planning on checking my eyelids for light leaks … in other words, going to sleep! Talk to ya’ll later.

Erica and all her friends are constantly posting something they call “random thoughts” on their Xanga sites. I guess it’s just a brief summary of things that have happened or things people have said over the past day or two. So I thought I’d post some random thoughts of my own. (It sounds better than saying I’m going to whine).

Random things that I don’t like ….
… people who like to “dish it out” but can’t take it …
… people who think their poo-poo doesn’t stink …
… drama, unless it’s the real kind like going to a play …
… lightning, especially when I have to be outside …
… having to get up early when I’m still sleepy …
… not ever having learned to swim …

Random things that I love…
… my REAL friends who love me regardless …
… people who make me laugh …
… going to Wal-Mart even when I don’t have money to spend …
… going to Giddings to see my sister and mom …
… being told I did a good job at work …

Well, I’m sure there are more I could list but I’ll save those for another day.

How about ya’ll? Can ya’ll come up with any random thoughts of your own to post here?